I couldn’t sleep very well last night. I was thinking about the kids and wondering how they’re doing. I sent them phone cards two years ago and never heard from them, ever. I feel sad, a lot, about what happened and wish I could have done something different. It’s hard to fight something like this when you don’t have the money to fight it. I really love Michelle, JJ, and Jessica with all my heart. My ex has gotten away with a lot more than the average person usually gets away! It makes me so mad sometimes when I think about all he has gotten away with and I can’t do anything about it! I keep hoping they will call. I know sometime in the future they will want to know more about what really happened and start asking questions. I hope it is soon. I’ve been thinking about them a lot more lately, and praying they are safe and healthy.

Michelle is now 21 years old and I have not seen or heard from her since 1997 when she went to live with her dad. I don’t know if she is going to college, is working, or what she is doing now. JJ just turned 18 last September and I haven’t heard from him since he was in the juvenile correction facility. I hope he is doing okay, but he hasn’t written or phoned since he went home to his dad. I haven’t talked to my youngest, Jessi since she went to visit her dad either. I think about them a lot a wonder what they are doing, how they are doing. I sometimes wish things had happened differently, but then I realize that sometimes things happen for a reason, even if we don’t like it. I miss my children very much, though they aren’t children now. I wonder what they will do with their lives. I hope they don’t get in trouble, but I can’t do anything about it if they do. I miss them very much and think about them all the time. I love them with all my heart and have never stopped loving them. I don’t like what their dad did, the lies he told to get them and keep them.

My ex wrote me six months after he moved, with the kids, to Las Vegas. His reason for moving to Las Vegas was “a better environment to raise kids”. When I hear something like that, I consider it a contradiction, Las Vegas, and raising kids. I’m sure that its a great place to live for most people. When you have somebody that likes to drink alcohol, do drugs, and sleep with prostitutes, you have a great place to live. My ex has done all the above, even while we were married. He also has an anger problem that he has never dealt with that I’m aware of. As far as I know, he still is doing the drugs, is still drinking, and still has a major anger problem. He did try to choke me before I finally left him, in front of my two older kids. My oldest daughter, Michelle, was four years old, and she saw it. She does remember. He kicked in the bedroom door to get to me, then threatened to kill me if I didn’t leave. I left to try to get a hold of a friend. He found me, convinced me to return with him. I went back, we talked and started arguing. I went into the bedroom and locked the door. He kicked in the bedroom door and put his hands around my neck threatening to kill me. He said he knew somebody that could kill me with a bow and arrow and nobody would ever find my body. He’ll probably say it never happened, but it did. He also tried to choke his third wife, the one he married right after our divorce was final. His justification for trying to choke here was “too much caffeine from drinking too much expresso” in the morning. She filed a restraining order against him, but rescinded it shortly after filing it. It took me six years, but I finally left me permanently. I love my children dearly, I don’t love him. He started getting physically abusive about three months before I finally got brave enough to leave him. He was verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive throught the marriage. I don’t know why I stayed with him as long as I did, except maybe because I was too afraid to leave before. I tried a couple of times, but I went back. I guess in this case the third time was the charm, because that’s when I finally did it, I left him for good. He did show up where I worked, but I refused to leave with him then. I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him. He was very good at coming up with stories, lies about things.

It’s been a long time since I posted anything in here. I’ve been thinking about my kids a lot lately. My oldest daughter, Michelle will be 21 this month and I haven’t seen here since 1997. My youngest, Jessica will be 16 this month. They have been with their dad since 1996 because he lied and got away with it. I haven’t been able to talk to them or see them since then because their dad got them for a visit, and they never came back where they belong, here in Alaska. I do think about my kids all the time and miss them. I wish that I could talk to them and find out what they have been doing all this time, but they don’t call or write because of their dad. Ever since I’ve been with their dad, he has been doing drugs and drinking, and I think he still is, even though he says he doesn’t anymore. I don’t believe him because he was always lying about things when we were together. My son, JJ, was in juvenile detention because he got caught into trouble because he was using drugs and damaged personal property and a motor vehicle. He did get in touch with me while he was in there, but once he got out he stopped writing and calling me. I miss that contact I had with him.

This is about what happened with my three kids. It is a very long and sad story. I had custody, both physical and legal custody when we moved to Alaska. We received one-way tickets for a 10-day visit. We put them on a plane to go, and they never returned. It’s been a longtime, but I will never forget how I felt when it happened.